ode to wally world

Walmart sucks
Walmart sucks so much
They suck because they make crappy crap
Then they sell it to you for 2 cents cheaper than everyone else
And then it breaks
And you throw it back at walmart
And you break the window
And then the cops come
But you don’t care
Because its walmarts fault for making
Crappy crap
And making
Small
Chinese children
Work in sweatshops
To save two cents
Walmart is the devil
And they make
Crappy crap

my female brain

i got to spend the fourth of july weekend in salt lake, it was really fun. . .

not so much the broken car on the way up, but more the company, especially the conversation.

i realized this weekend that i looooooove good conversation. i dont discriminate either, it can come from boys girls men women i dont care. just make me think in such a way that i have not thought before.

kate, my friend, does this for me, and i want to thank her for that. we spent over 36 hrs driving to and from utah, and neither of us slept the entire time, we just kept talking, thinking, sharing.

and as a result i have discovered that i have a decidedly distinct female brain.

if i can say something in 50 words instead of 5 i will do it, not to hear myself talk but to ensure that im communicating completely.

i cant speak on any one topic without arguing myself into and out of every opinion or position.

and i believe in my heart of hearts that if i were more beautiful that my life would be a LOT better.

the first two discoveries were fairly routine, just not discussed.

the third was somewhat unsettling. kate expressed the same discovery, and a similar unease about its reality.

dont misunderstand me, i dont feel completely unfortunate looking. mostly to the credit of my friends, i feel i am a beautiful woman. however i recognize that there are women of greater beauty. its that greater beauty speak of.

something, somewhere, somehow i have not only heard but internalized that its my job, nay my duty, nay my purpose to be VERY beautiful at all times, and that the better i achieve this, the more happiness/success/pleasure i will get out of my life.

i want to refute this belief. but i have much evidence of it

so then i want to change the circumstances from which this belief grew, but i cant take on the culture of the world

and then the whole other success driven/prideful part of me starts hollering and screaming something to the tune of "if you cant beat them, JOIN THEM"

and then im stuck

power is represented in beauty, money, persuasion, and fame. any or any combination of these generally yields opportunities to gain more power. power tends to be what you need to get what you seek. ie those with power get what they want.

i want to be happy.

what power will get me that?

do i just keep doing what im doing and hope that happiness finds me before i die? do i take $150,000 and sink it into a new face/body in hopes that the power of beauty will catalyze my happiness? do i just forget it, stop seeking happiness, and find simple joy in day to day pleasures or interactions?

i dont have these answers. i dont know what will bring me to the equilibrium i so desperately seek. eastern philosophy suggests that letting go of wanting anything, including happiness, will ultimately yield it; and though that sounds good, it still feels a little too . . . uncertain

and ultimately i still wind up believing that if i were more beautiful my life would be directly better.

this woman knew how to want

Eva Cassidy only moved out of musical obscurity two years after her death, and only thanks to a trusting BBC radio DJ. . .

i hope you enjoy her

free to choose but not free to want; therefore not free to choose

its like breathing
and crying
and dancing
and laughing till your belly hurts and you cant stop coughing

im free to choose because im free to want
no limitations
no shoulds
no appeals to or diminishment of a greater good

just free to want

to have passion

to desire

to become infatuated
to chase
to follow
to be led

i dont have to want what you want but i might
and you dont have to like what i want but you might as well


if i can learn to want completely. to give into desire, i will have learned or unlearned something real


is there a good way to explain it?

i dont know what i want because ive forgotten how to want. i only know how to please or to dissappoint.

all my desires, thoughts, behaviors center around pleasing or dissappointing other people, therefore its all im worried about, and all i can be happy about achieving

the last thing i really wanted was neb

and i was so conflicted about that completely engulfing desire that the opportunity diminished

i want to desire so much that its not even a choice that i pursue.

i want to feel and experience, and proliferate, and generate

i want

to




live

genuinely, happily, fully, passionately

then. . . what am i?

i am not my mother.

this came to me yesterday.

most women turn into their mothers. i feel this inevitability is directly tied to the age at which that woman marries. my mothers mother married the weekend after her high school graduation. my mother married weeks before her 21st birthday. i am now 26 with no vows in sight, but with the slightly profound realization that i am certainly not my mother. perhaps i never was going to be, though i feel most strongly now that no matter what, thats an unlikely end for me.

strange tho, that i am not my father either.

last night this line of thinking drew me down

down

down

until i came to something i couldnt name. something ayn rand has undoubtedly mulled over.

it went something like this:

i am not my mother
i am not my father

i am not even my relatives or ancestors

i am not any of my relationships

i am not my beauty
i am not my ugliness
i am not my gifts and skills
i am not my mistakes and misgivings

i am not my emotions
i am not my logic

i am not my experiences
i am not my goals and aspirations

i am not my education
i am not my bank account

i am not my resume

i am not my memories
i am not my friends
i am not my enemies

i am not the place i was raised
i am not the places ive been

i am not my insecurities
i am not my strengths

i am not my religion
i am not my sins

i am not my judgements
i am not my tolerances

i am not all good
i am not all bad

i am not all of any one thing.


but, this all begs the question:



what,

then,

is left

that i am?

retirement

i dont know what came over me.

really, i don't

but it just sounded like a good idea.
and you know lately everything's just been so. . . malleable

so, today i started my retirement account.
partly inspired by mr mark's new blog, and partly due to the fact that moving seems to flex all the organizational muscle you have, i did it, and its a permanent thing.

and by permanent i mean like super glue permanent.

literally.

it went something like this:

i took the biggest glass bottle ive ever seen, the kind chicago deli's keep their pickle spears in, i took a screw driver to the top to create a slot, super glue to the lid to help me keep my spending impulses at bay, and a black sharpie to the front, which now reads:

'Tacy's Retirement'

then i dropped into it every spare penny, nickel, and dime that i came across in my unpacking/organizing spree.

all told ive got something to the tune of 4.39 saved, but for one day, thats not bad.

and hell, we've all gotta start somewhere.

and it begins. . .

so, i'm going home.

again.

and im really trying to do it without feeling like a big fat failure.

its hard though, to not feel the defeat, when the school you hired to educate you fires you.

ahhhhh well, life lesson #1,297,563 learned.

in reflection of my time in colorado, i did make a lot of connections.

i have acquired dozens of friends whom i will keep for a long time.

and i have to admit that in and of itself is worth the grief it took to come.

i will miss the mountains, and if i could take the weather back with me, this might be the perfect situation.

colorado, i will miss you. . . friends and family gained, i will take you with me in my heart, and please keep me in yours as i endeavor a new beginning yet again.

my new beginning

my genesis.

-tacylane