my female brain

i got to spend the fourth of july weekend in salt lake, it was really fun. . .

not so much the broken car on the way up, but more the company, especially the conversation.

i realized this weekend that i looooooove good conversation. i dont discriminate either, it can come from boys girls men women i dont care. just make me think in such a way that i have not thought before.

kate, my friend, does this for me, and i want to thank her for that. we spent over 36 hrs driving to and from utah, and neither of us slept the entire time, we just kept talking, thinking, sharing.

and as a result i have discovered that i have a decidedly distinct female brain.

if i can say something in 50 words instead of 5 i will do it, not to hear myself talk but to ensure that im communicating completely.

i cant speak on any one topic without arguing myself into and out of every opinion or position.

and i believe in my heart of hearts that if i were more beautiful that my life would be a LOT better.

the first two discoveries were fairly routine, just not discussed.

the third was somewhat unsettling. kate expressed the same discovery, and a similar unease about its reality.

dont misunderstand me, i dont feel completely unfortunate looking. mostly to the credit of my friends, i feel i am a beautiful woman. however i recognize that there are women of greater beauty. its that greater beauty speak of.

something, somewhere, somehow i have not only heard but internalized that its my job, nay my duty, nay my purpose to be VERY beautiful at all times, and that the better i achieve this, the more happiness/success/pleasure i will get out of my life.

i want to refute this belief. but i have much evidence of it

so then i want to change the circumstances from which this belief grew, but i cant take on the culture of the world

and then the whole other success driven/prideful part of me starts hollering and screaming something to the tune of "if you cant beat them, JOIN THEM"

and then im stuck

power is represented in beauty, money, persuasion, and fame. any or any combination of these generally yields opportunities to gain more power. power tends to be what you need to get what you seek. ie those with power get what they want.

i want to be happy.

what power will get me that?

do i just keep doing what im doing and hope that happiness finds me before i die? do i take $150,000 and sink it into a new face/body in hopes that the power of beauty will catalyze my happiness? do i just forget it, stop seeking happiness, and find simple joy in day to day pleasures or interactions?

i dont have these answers. i dont know what will bring me to the equilibrium i so desperately seek. eastern philosophy suggests that letting go of wanting anything, including happiness, will ultimately yield it; and though that sounds good, it still feels a little too . . . uncertain

and ultimately i still wind up believing that if i were more beautiful my life would be directly better.